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  • Writer's pictureJAD

Divine Ergi III : A Path To Recovery

She warned me. She advised more than once leading up to my awakening. It wasn't that I did not take heed. More so that I did not understand the truth of where I stood. From a young age I lived a life of blurred lines. Inebriated by medications. I had no clue that life was not suppose to be that way. For many years I survived a life I didn't even realize I was infected with. But I would be lying if did not disclaim it was an accidental discovery. She warned me prior. I have been a witch for as long as I can remember, And to tell this portion of my story I must go back to the beginning. Since I was young I would see things. I could write this poetically, but for the sake of sharing one's experience I'll try to not speak too vaguely. One of my earliest memories before the medications was a bit traumatic. I was about three years old and my mother accidentally slammed my finger in the door. While arguing with her husband. He was very abusive to say the least and made my mother chase the car as I watched baby me in the backseat crying from confusion. As the top part of my finger dangled halfway severed from my hand I observed myself crying like any child would. Sitting next to myself there was an inner peace that I cannot explain as I watched the event unfold. I vividly remember watching the doctor interact with me as I sat on the table. It was not til awaking the next day that I remember being me again if that makes any sense. Not the happiest memory but one of the earliest none the less.

I never really talked about it because Ive learned in the past that it only leads to medication. That was until the shadow people entered. One evening I was lying down. I must have been four or five, The room was dark and that never really bothered me. But I saw one. Tall and It moved across the wall followed by two others. I kept this to myself for the longest. ADHD would run its course into my life and soon trigger an avalanche. Times were different and psychotropic medications were all the rage. There are so many stories but we will stay focused as this one takes a lot of strength to write out and share. The medications never helped hinder my seeing.Starting at seven It only made things more vivid. And blurred my lines to a level in which I knew no better. They never left. I would only see more, but this time they weren't shadows. I would see different versions of humans. I would share only to be put on more medications. By this time Her husband would become increasingly abusive as his lines ,too, were blurred by a steroids addiction. Never mind that I would have to hide my orientation or gender identity. It was a means of survival to hide myself. Not only from him. But the "GOD" being fed with Pentecostal background. I tried my hardest to hide as some nights I cried myself to sleep. The medications did not help me. But only kept my lines blurred.

From seven to seventeen I was fed over a dozen psychotropics. Three pills three times a day, sometimes four. I lost count with my time in facilities and years in state's custody. It was hard to accept the world I lived in. The medications and physical abuse left me blurred along with my lines.

As an adolescent I would begin to fight for my individuality. But lines were trained. I would lose myself. Sometimes in books, rpgs , and anime. I loved to draw. Maps of places I saw in my dreams. Characters that made me feel strong. Her husband would one day see the pictures and take them. I would see them talking in the kitchen and would then discover the word "fag". A modern day "argr" As the Vikings might have said. Many would associate the word "ergi" but through Seidr I would learn that word's true divine meaning. In time I will share more ritualistic truths, But lets stay focused. Any escape from the only reality I knew. I would continue to draw. There was a time where the shadows stopped. I became so adapted and trained to my trauma that I became a shell. I was the "weird" quiet kid who spent more time with the class animal than the other kids. It wasn't until 12 that my best friend entered my life. I met him at my new school at the time. He invited me over cuz he thought my "different was cool". It was the first time someone invited me over. For the first time I could experience what it was like as "normal" kid. We would go to the backyard and his other friend would come over. They would play pirates. But something truly magical happened. He told me "You can be the mermaid if you want. You don't have to be a pirate.". In that moment something happened. I knew what acceptance was. It felt good. My lines would however be blurred somedays. And he would sit with me and read or play video games with me. Kyle helped me cope with some of the darkest times of my life but organically. And I would begin to question the blurriness. I would begin to accept being "different"

The pills then became enemy. I would have Kyle until I didn't. One day I would go to school and there would be a grand sadness. It was not only my loss. He grew up with all the kids that surrounded me. Everything began to hit in slow motion as I began to realize what was happening. Every Blink carried a dark aura. Slow motion continued as I remember My teacher running towards me in my discovery. Every blink led to shadows until I fell within.I would be put on what was referred to as mood stabilizers. And for some time I would begin have habits of insomnia. I had to escape my dreams. The shadow people scared me. My lines became so blurred that self mutilation brought me back to Earth. The cut of the skin would bring endorphins taking me down from a large cloud of darkness. But the shadow people would only develop into a large crisis of three consecutive days without sleep. The events to unfold from that must be saved for its own expression. That story itself is its own. The third day changed my life forever. And so began the facilities.

I would for a couple of years experience a string of facilities before I would be given to state's custody. There are other stories there we will visit in time. My lines remained blurred. Up the dosage , drown out free will. In states custody I was at least allowed to explore my own interests of spiritual path. While vacation bible school was relevant, so was my alone time with my craft. I would make my first set of runes out of river stone I found myself. Carving each symbol with a safety pin. Under a tree they would surround me as I read whatever spell book I could find.I kept them in a green pouch I made myself. I loved them. There was a peace that hadn't felt in a long time. Here, entered my foster brother with something called "weed". Now , with that said I had been shipped around until placed in a home out in the woods of Watertown,Tn. Here I experienced being "stoned" for the first time. And then BAM! I thought that this could help me escape the meds. I had to get out of the state's custody. I would tactfully become the worst and most rebellious kid I could. I would be on lockdown for maybe a month before my belongings would be confiscated. The runes may have been sacrificed. But I got sent home. I would only be with my family for a short time before I would find a new best friend and she would lure me away from the life she found me in. Just two witches holding seance and reading tarot. Couch surfing and party hopping we would always end up in the woods "high". The pills were gone. Replaced with a new version of blurriness. A blur where I could still smile. During this chapter I experimented with a lot of drugs and adult activity. But marijuana helped me escape whatever plagued us at the time. About 19 years old I was ready to drop all spiritual prompt and live my life as a Volva. A nordic witch. Her divine glory would be the first and only name I asked to meet. I was gifted two different moments. Truly amazing to have those experiences. Her beauty would inspire me to never cut my vessel again.

Ignoring my daily dose of blur I would climb ascension in her honor. Through various forms. Fashion show productions, Music, Music videos, photoshoots, and other mediums. I would begin ritualize "JAD". The ego created when prompted devise my "Witch Name". The shadows never left. The would come and go through various versions of sleep paralysis. I don't know if they are directly associated but thats the only shadow people still scared me. Drowned out with my organically grown blur, I would stay focused on her divine name. On the path of artistry the modern world applies social pressure. There is a separate blur that comes from losing yourself in the very ladder towards glory. Nothing short of the truth can reign in her presence. It took losing love and another best friend before we would arrive to here and now. She warned me multiple times. And I began to wonder what I was missing. All these lessons without the payoff. What was I doing wrong if everything I did felt so right? Year 2020 arrived with isolation. I fought hard to remain strong and diligent. As a village witch I had a duty.In a digital age I would dive in so deep there would be no returning. It began with my personal Identity. I lied for so long about who I was to survive in a world that no longer existed. I had to accept her divine presence and beauty within me. Truly a duo gendered mind frame. Non Binary the children called it. Blurred line incarnate. As I came clean about my divine path and identity the layers of my lesson began to unfold. Worship be unto her name. I began to study and search further for ways to exalt her divine glory.

Visions of dancing around large runes. A Galdr chant that got me through the scariest moment of my life brought to life through the practice of Seidr. I adorned myself Upon the the stool. Falling into trance as danced and became one with those who came before me. The Dissar and Alfar. In my culture our ancestor are supremely important. "Dis" is a representation of the divine feminine/ancestor. As in VanaDIS. A name directly associated to her divine glory. And "Alf" as in All father for the divine masculine/ancestors. While some would keep the Dissar strictly with Vanatru (Practice of Vanir lead) I believe my true gift is two lead with both. I called unto them in first vision of Fehu. To reveal my truth, and lead me toward my ancestral path. After my ritual I began to fall down a wormhole of videos and studies to find the truth of my people. Philosophers, books, and other various form of cited works. For so long I believed my practice to be that of personal gnosis.But as I have begun my journey in nordic shamanism, I have come to realize that I practiced Seidr since the day I tapped in. So many different variations Of rituals I will share in time. But lets stay focused

With any form of shamanism comes strictly mandatory shadow work. To exalt others we first cleanse ourselves of worldly demons that we carry. When one begins to connect with ancestors it is like an avalanche. As I began to understand my own shadow work the pieces would begin to fall into place. The drum would change everything for me. The vibrations would rain upon as called out to my Dissar and Alfar. Opening ritual with what be considered an ancient form of therapy. Wild events would unfold leading me into therapy. In the midst of my Shamanic journey they would reveal timeless parallels in the therapeutic journey. I would share my journey with my therapist as freely as I did here. One day he would ask me if I would be open to EMDR. What is that you may ask ?

EMDR therapy is a focused approach to treating trauma and other symptoms by reconnecting the traumatized individual in a safe and measured way to the images, self-thoughts, emotions, and body sensations associated with the trauma, and allowing the natural healing powers of the brain to move toward adaptive resolution.

It is based on the idea that symptoms occur when trauma and other negative or challenging experiences overwhelm the brain’s natural ability to heal, and that the healing process can be facilitated and completed through bilateral stimulation while the client is re-experiencing the trauma in the context of the safe environment of the therapist’s office (dual awareness). Upon being asked about this I would do my homework and soon discover that ancient shamanism led us to this discovery and worked very similar to the purpose the drum serves in shamanistic healing. Wild that such a time in my life would truly synchronize. Upon getting ready I made observations about where it all started and how I got here. AND THEN IT HIT ME ! I have been in blurred lines and inebriation my entire life since the medications. Although Marijuana allowed me a safe escape it was up to me to now remove inebriation as means of day to day coping. I cannot grow through with tactics once created for survival. I mean to thrive. I have always truly believed that the path to recovery is not linear. It is not my intentions to leave behind inebriation cold turkey, but to return to its recreational value. Used for a tool to blur lines when chosen and not needed. Not a story of addiction, but a story of recovery. Following this time I have begun my EMDR experience. First one in and I am already affected in a way I don't quite have words for yet.

It truly doesn't stop here. Soon to follow we will continue into the journey of ritualistic experience. Told through a conceptual lense . For now , I have included A ritual drum track in 741 hz . 741 hz is tone and frequency associated with removing toxins and connecting with intuition. This has truly been a useful tool for meditation and ritual. Courtesy of Drew Beatz at Memphis's own Station 8 productions. They are always very welcoming and inspiring. The way the staff works together creates a platform and service to local talent while maintaining a healthy clientele and entrepreneurship. Every session has been exploration on the cross examination between culture and expression. The photos are shot by Julie Lester Photography. Every collaboration with her has been the very essence of the word. Always motivating and culturally inclined. As a college professor with a Phd she brings more than just art but a mind filled to the brim with something of value to share on the topic. A complete experience to say the least. I cant wait to share what's next ! Blessed is her divine name. #PraiseFreyja **LINK TO FREE DOWNLOAD** Ritual Drum in 741 hz

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