It is in the Darkest of moments that we find the strongest transformations. In the last year I have experienced life in ways that I can only articulate through the lens of my spiritual journey. However, I am never shocked to discover that my ancestors already found ways to articulate and lead us through these many narratives of life. From loss to gain and from growth to failure I always find myself back in a place of her divine grace. Constantly reminding me that everything my ancestors left me is still here within my mind's eye, waiting for me to tap in. Deep within the darkness of winter I found myself, so lost in the throws of life that I failed to see the tranformation actively taking place.
This chapter of retreat felt very much like the Hermit card in Tarot. Not in just the retreat but also in the collection of knowledge.Since my last entry I entered a stage of redirection as life does. When operating a business/platform dealing with niche fixations it super important to be malleable. You go where the focus makes tangible sense for your tax write offs and revenue in conjunction with your day to day lifestyle. For me that meant leaning more into divination clients than my journey with journaling reflexive shamanism in the last year. I was able to put some focus into a couple of audio tracks and a cinematic expression. But Writing through the pain of Ptsd while juggling life was exhausting just to even think about. Finding balance takes a lot time and practice as they say. Despite the haze and pain of Ptsd I took this into the studio where I would construct my siren's song. To me this is an expression of pain through the breathe of life as mermaids and sirens often represent victims of political propaganda in lore. None the less I took my pain and created more sonic sorcery. From the struggle of my own budding identity and the pressures of everyday media , I was ran ragged. Everyday interaction began to feel daunting. Crying in the studio or obsessing over the next course of action, I worked through.
Winter was necessary. I was doing all of these things without any true trajectory outside of acting on my highest passions. I felt it was important to find ways to continue to express myself , but with the juggle that can be societal responsibility it can be challenging. None the less I stayed busy all the way into winter from Tarot to creative expression, coping behind my highest passions. As November began to roll in I would become more family and home focused.
Day to day life had to have the answers. I only felt exhausted by pushing through for the sake of "momentum" and I needed more love if Im honest. Pivoting life around creating art is cool but there is something to be said about human interaction. I would aim to find anything that could bring the feeling of fulfillment I was use to creating on demand with some feat. Life is so much more than what we are able to hustle however. Whether you are the most successful person in the world or the least successful person in the world one thing will always be there to catch the fall of either. The memories we create in this story that is life is the truest currency. We are nothing if not the sum of our memories. So I worked in the winter to create core memories. Memories that included more than one of the six senses. Needless to say, I found so much passion in the kitchen.
Any chance I could get into the Kitchen to cook for people I love is something I crave. Challenging all the ways I could believe something could be done is also healthy for a person like me. Cooking with depth is a great way to implement this discipline. It is never enough to settle on what we know.
To expand upon what we know makes us stronger in any craft I suppose. Cooking is fun because my imagination takes it to so many extremes. Just like a spell you take all these ingredients and create something entirely different than what you started with. Magic of the hands. I think often on how food has been a staple for a portion of my life. and not just the experience of food in taste and texture but also the Kitchen. Some of the most profound teachings were given to me while watching people of high regard in my life cooking. It has truly been a consistent theme in my life. A handful of cultures and mentors from all over the world all in Memphis,Tn. Every concoction in the kitchen is up against the last time you were there. Challenging what we think we know , bringing us deeper into understanding every time we do it. Cooking has always been such a safe place for me. It doesn't surprise me upon reflection it would be heavily present in a dark winter.
Despite my efforts in the kitchen or to become more social I continued to struggle with my mental health. Nothing seemed bring me peace. I was carrying so much unresolved trauma.Since Ive began walking a path with the ancestors it has become harder and harder to ignore the needs of my consciousness. Something was lingering beyond my perception and had been for my entire life.But before I arrived to this discovery Someone mentioned to me that hair holds the memory of the body. This to me translated that it was time for a whole make over. My hair is something sacred to me . Not because the length carried me into my femininity/transness as some might think, but more about the way hair has alway changed my entire look and almost persona. When my hair was shorter, it was so much easier to change up at the drop of the a dime ,but the length was so powerful for me. The length almost what felt like unlocked my truest self. I honestly felt as if I had transcended this ideology however. The idea that my length somehow is what made me look like me felt like a direct challenge to me in this chapter. As a witch I personally do not feel connected with one self image. The chameleon nature is something of a natural thing for me.
I have always felt comfortable with switching the way I look. And so I set forth to change my hair. The initial cut was such a release. I watched so much hair fall to the floor and could already feel the chills of change. I knew that what I had done had brought forth the direction I needed. I wasn't entirely sure what that had meant but I knew I had arrived. It felt really good if Im honest. I felt so much lighter. Two days after the cut I would go over to a beloved friend's house to color my hair. During this we had a personal conversation about mental health and how her diagnosis really helped her understand herself a lot better. She really gave me a lot to think on. In fact the thrill of the new hair quickly became second to setting up a formal look into my own programming.
It would only take me 3 business days following to schedule 4 different professionals and my primary doctor. Through psychological evaluation and bloodwork I was given a more concrete outlook into what I was working with. First on the list, was ADHD. This is something I have been aware of my entire life with a rich history of medication attempts and failures. Second on the list , was PTSD. I knew I was struggling with this but what was wasn't aware of was the way it insidiously infects the way you perceive life. Last but not least , through evaluation and medical records it was determined I have been ASD - DSM5 for my entire life. For those who don't know Autism (ASD) has a 70% comorbidity rate with ADHD.
Most concrete indicators outside of development for high functioning ASD can be witnessed when the indvidual loses all personality traits while being medicated. Without the perpetuation of the Psychomotor (ADHD/ADD) the individual is left in their autistic state. Many believe this to be a spectrum that we all fall on to some degree. For me , this unlocked a plethora of memory downpour of my entire life. Everything would be revisited and reassessed. The journey into therapy has allowed so much personal growth making this winter one of the most transformative ones of my entire life thus far. I have fallen in love with my mental awareness as a result of this. What we are aware of can not make us ill should we choose to empower our strengths over our weaknesses. So much of my perception began to make so much sense that I started to recognize myself more and more as winter came to its final moment for the year. Ive started to understand what my Ptsd looks like internally and have begun to ,like the Chariot of the major arcana, take back the reigns of my life. Transformation is one of the grand parts of being human. The unpredictability it brings allows us to find ourselves all over again as we continue to work through the trauma of being alive.
By the time Ostara (Latter part of March) rolled around in the new year I had become almost entirely different person. Winter had changed me.And while I may not yet be perfected , my trajectory has been set forth. I patiently awaited for my next communion. To share my growth and gratitude unto the divine and Kindred. While I got to do that, I got so much more. Where I live in Memphis, Tn of USA, I am lucky enough to have a place for communion Not only for the Wiccan/Pagan Calendar but also for my Nordic Practice. I attend a church called the "The Fellowship Of Avalon". This is part of a registered group called "The Aquarian Tabernacle" that was founded in 1979. "The Fellowship of Avalon" is a registered 5013c and also facilitates a Kindred for the Asatru/Vanatru practice called "The Fellowship of Yggdrasil". Both of these churches strive to work for and be apart of the community between their events and efforts to provide free menstrual products to shelters and other facilities. For anyone interested I will include website links to the mentioned establishments at the end of the blog under final photo.
As Ostara arrived, I would attend a formal ceremony with my church to celebrate this solar event. Ostara ,or as some would call Eostre, is an ancient Germanic deity. This deity was a symbol of fertility making her applicable to many deities depending on the location. It wasn't until this year that I would learn the true origin of these "easter" symbols and their association to resurrection, transformation, and growth. While the story I am about share can
vary on the delivery, the aspects and respresentations are pretty consistent amongst the variations of the lore for Easter/Eostre.
One day while winter was coming to an end, Eostre walked through the forest to greet spring. While walking through the melting snow she came across what appeared to a frozen little bird. In many lores the little bird can be a representation of our mind's eye. Much like the little blue bird in mind control theories. She picked the little bird in hopes that it would awaken. It however did not. The winter froze it's little body into submission. Eostre refused to lets this be. She placed her hands over the little bird and whispered her words into the wind. She lifted her hands to reveal that our little friend was no longer a little bird but a rabbit/hare. The hare for many is a representation of
immortality , making its a symbol and messenger of the divine. When she lifted her hands the little bunny scurried off into the snow. Eostre would return next spring and the animal kingdom would bring gifts for Eostre. The little bunny looked everywhere for a gift to match the jewels and riches brought by others. Searching its home it couldn't find anything but a single egg. The last egg it laid before becoming a bunny. This would have to do. The bunny worked hard to decorate and color this egg. This token of the past. Upon giving this gift to Eostre, she would see into the purity of this gift. Because of the bunny's true intent , the egg became a prized gift and symbol. So prized that the bunny earned the honor of the divine for bunnies everywhere. I found this to be an adorable story. Because of my association to Freyja , this holiday is important to me. As our priest and priestess shared this story, my heart felt warm. I related so much to this little bird. Winter was hard but I came out stronger in the end. The symbols and flows of nature are reflexive in our lives. As these seasons come and go , so do the chapters of our lives. We reflect the same patterns of existence as we let the planets and season decorate the words for us. We too are the bunny born from the battle of the little bird. I look forward to the next entry. Thank you.
